Social Skills Life Lessons: Assertion and Empathy

Between Second Step and the Kelso initiative our school has used in the last few years, I've learned a lot about social-emotional curricula.  However, I still find the most interesting teaching happens in context.  When kids are "working on a fun activity," be it academic, gym, or recess, they see conflict as a personal affront to their fun time.  So for some kids, "fun activities" become just as stressful as taking a test!

Today I was presented with just such an issue.  I came upstairs after lunch ten minutes early, so indoor recess was in full swing and the issues started without me.  "Jimmy" came up to me to let me know that he was playing a game, and "Donald" wasn't playing fair/following the rules of the game.  He was being silly. 

Well, if these were 5 year olds I'd probably go explain how to play, and solve their problem for them.  But these are 10 year olds, and we have talked about assertion as part of our school's character education program since they were third graders.  I no longer feel that it's my role to step in and say, "You're playing wrong" as long as they're not hurting each other.

It depends on the students, of course.  But I know Jimmy and Donald have been friends since WAY back.  They visit each other's houses all the time.  They know how to get along together, even if they are what Millhouse refers to as, "friends of convenience."  Neighborhood friends who don't have the same interests, intelligence, attention span, or emotional maturity, but they have long known and accepted each other's quirks.  And having spats is a natural part of any relationship that stinks, but kids need to learn how to move past them.

So I told "Jimmy," that "If you don't like how Donald is playing, you need to tell him, 'Stop doing that; it's not funny anymore, and if you don't stop, I'm going to play with someone else.'" 

Jimmy started to tear up.  "But he's really the only one I play with."

If that was true, I'd have felt bad.  But it's not.  Jimmy has lots of friends in class.  He's athletic and plays football at recess.  No, I realized that this was not a case of Jimmy being powerless and trapped at an activity, it was a case of feeling wronged by a close friend.  And yet, if I went over to Donald to tell him to knock it off, that wasn't really going to fix the way Jimmy was feeling.  I pointed out the other kids in class who he could join, and repeated that he needed to tell Donald to stop, and if he wasn't having fun, to find something else to do.  He blinked back the tears in his eyes, took out a book, and pretended to read it with the book in his lap and his head down.

Well, that didn't fix the problem either.

So I called Donald over to my desk.  He's impulsive and silly, but he really does have a heart of gold, and I am certain he hates to see people upset.  So when he said, "What?"  I paused for a few moments and asked quietly, "Are you friends with Jimmy?"

"Yeah" (lots of nodding).

"Look at what you did to him."

He looked over at Jimmy, bent behind his desk, hiding his face.

"He's upset with the way you were acting when you were playing.  If you're really his friend, you need to go over there and talk to him."

And he did.

It was that simple.

Last year when I had recess duty, when I tried to solve their problems for them, before they were in my class and I really understood their relationship, it didn't work.  They still squabbled, neither of them were happy, and it wasted their recess time trying to sort it out.

Now that they're a year older, they're ready to work things out with just a little nudge in the right direction.  Jimmy sat up straighter after Donald talked to him.  No squabbling, no hard feelings, no sulking that carried into their next period class.  Jimmy knows that Donald is silly and impulsive, and I think he probably knew that recess is the one time Donald doesn't get in trouble for it, so he needs to go for it sometimes!  But Jimmy also needed that little affirmation that it was nothing personal; Donald wasn't trying to make him look bad or tease him in front of the other players.    

Let Kids Know You Are On Their Side

You know the sort of kid who's got the "My way or the highway" attitude?

Ever find yourself silently AGREEING with that kid?

As the adult/mediator in the room, you can't just let that kid wreck the self esteem of everyone he encounters, and walk all over everyone.  Yet time and time again, you see that actually, he was right.  He let the other kid know in an unacceptably cruel way, but he was right.  What do you do?

Well, when I realized this impulsive student is actually very bright, and often has a very good point about why he got so indignant in several social situations, I made time to talk with him.  He finished his test early (of course) so I pulled him to the back of the room, along with the kid he hit in line yesterday.  I listen to both of their side of the story without allowing interruption (from me or the other boy) as I always do, before asking questions, and finally I'm ready to pass my judgement.

"Like I said, Billy,* for now I'm going to have to insist that both of you stay sitting when I line everyone else up, and wait until the end when I can call you by name."

"But I didn't do anything!"

"As long as you THINK that, I can't allow you to line up normally, because it's not safe.  Once you realize you DID do something, and "hitting him accidentally" is never going to be acceptable, then I can let you line up with everyone else."

"But it was my place in line, behind bus 3 and in front of the kids who get picked up!"

And that's when I realized I needed to take a new approach.

This kid was right, knew he was right, and feels like the world is against him.  The only thing that was going to change his negative attitude was to feel like he had an ally.  Who's a more powerful ally than the teacher?  The only thing that was going to make sense for me to do here was to TAKE HIS SIDE.

"You're absolutely right."

I paused and let that sink in.

"You're right.  You're a smart kid, Billy.  And I bet you're right a lot, because you're so smart.  It must be very frustrating for you to be right, when other kids don't see it."

The look on his face was priceless.  It was like he felt I looked down into his soul and he finally felt understood.

"The thing is, how you ACT when you're right, and other people are wrong, that is what we have to work on.  So when you line up, I'm going to make sure you're letting the kids know what they should be doing in a polite way, and if they try to argue with you I'm going to be right there to tell them, 'Billy's right.'  Okay?"

All the fight just melted away.

When I have a challenge come up in class, my mantra is "I'm here for you."  When a kid is talking when I'm talking, interrupts, or breaks some other rule, although I have to discipline, I tell myself silently, "I'm here for YOU."  In the first few years of teaching, before I had a reputation that speaks for itself, I felt like every broken rule felt like an act of disrespect aimed at me, and it made me look bad.  But now, I know I don't have to take it personally.  And I've also realized that when it comes to school, these kids don't work for me.  I work for them.  I am literally paid to work for them.  That doesn't mean I let them walk all over me, because that's not what's best for them.  It doesn't mean that I let them be completely dependent on me to wait on them, because teaching them how to be independent is important for their development.  But I try to approach every problem that arises with the attitude of, "How can I fix this FOR YOU."  Not for me. 

I kept my promise when they lined up, making sure he spoke politely before stepping into his place in line, and we were a lot more orderly than we had been the last few days. 

*Names are changed to protect the guilty.

How to Help a Child Make Friends: Narrative Part 2

In my last post, I started talking about how, as adults, it can be tricky figuring out how to help a child make friends.  I used the example of Annie, a little girl who is behind socially.  She has reached the point where she cares about making friends (which can be a huge turning point for some children) but she is lacking the skills to keep them.  Annie got a Christmas present for her friend Cara, but it looked like she ended up giving it to someone else instead.

I believed Denise when she told me Annie gave it to her.  I was really disappointed that she acted so rashly; she and Denise aren't that close; they're not "BFFs."  This gift that would have meant a LOT to Cara was wasted.

Sure enough, Annie told my aide later, "I told Denise she could look at my necklace, and now she won't give it back."

My aide knew that wasn't true.  She knew she gave it to Denise, and I think most teachers are inclined to say, "Well, if you gave it to her, it's hers now.  You can't just take back a gift.  And lying about it is wrong."  Certainly, this is an important life lesson that people need to learn at some point.  And that's what my aide said.  But she knew, like I did, that there was something bigger going on here.  My aide said, "I can't believe she gave it to her and not Cara!  That would have meant so much to her!"  I agreed with my aide, "If I make Denise give back the necklace, and then she gives it to Cara, not only would Denise be mad at Annie, she might also be upset with Cara.  And Cara did nothing wrong.  In my mind, this necklace was tarnished now, no matter what else I did.

But I couldn't let it go.  I knew I had to act.  There was more than one lesson that Annie could learn that day, it didn't have to be one about not taking back gifts.  Maybe I could teach TWO girls a lesson that day.  "What if I just explained the situation to Denise?"  I asked my aide.  She looked at me doubtfully.  "What if I just say, she's been planning to give that necklace to Cara since before vacation.  She just, well, she just gave it to you without really thinking." 

So I pulled Annie aside and asked what really happened.  I wanted her to admit to her mistake (and that she lied about Denise just taking it) before I bailed her out.  She gave me the stubborn glare that she used to give when she was little and got into trouble.

"What happened with Denise at lunch?"  I pushed.  A leading question that made it sound almost like I knew already, and that almost makes it sound like I'm blaming Denise.  A very important child interrogation technique, haha.  She told me at lunch, Denise and her friend got into an argument, so Annie stepped in, said the wrong thing, and both girls ended up even angrier with each other AND her.  So I told Annie, "So you gave Denise the necklace because you wanted to make it up to her."  And she teared up.  "You DID give Denise the necklace, but now you know you made a mistake because you wanted to give it to Cara, right?"

"Yes, but I can't because Denise will be mad at me."

I was so proud of her for understanding that. "You can make it up to her some other way.  You don't have to give people necklaces to make them like you.  You've been planning to give Cara that necklace since before Christmas.  I'll talk to Denise."

So I did.  I told her what I told my aide.  And I said, "I kind of need you to be the bigger person here.  Because Annie is embarrassed and feels terrible.  She knows it's not cool to take back a gift that she gave you.  Is there another way she can make it up to you?"

"No, that's okay.  I have plenty of necklaces."

I decided to let that little bit of superiority go since it seemed like there were no hard feelings.  And Denise went back in the room, sat on the rug beside Annie, gently tapped her on the shoulder, and whispered something with a benevolent look on her face as she held the necklace out to her.  Annie sat with her head bowed for the rest of the lesson.  And the next day, Cara was back and Annie gave her her present.  They've both been wearing their necklaces since, and Denise has had no problems with either of them.

So what should you take away from this long story?

1.  Sometimes, when a child comes to you with a problem, what they SAY is not what is REALLY bothering them.  Sometimes we get angry at a child for "lying" to us.  But think about what Annie should have said instead of "Denise took the necklace."  She would have had to explain, "I made a rash decision that I now regret.  I didn't know how else to show her that I was sorry I made the situation with her friend worse when I should have minded my own business.  Giving her the necklace seemed to be the only solution at the time.  But now I realize I have no gift for my best friend Cara.  What should I do?"

2.  Know how to investigate.  A lot of teacher will say, "Don't tell me what SHE did, tell me what YOU did."  But if a child clams up and won't speak, that will never get them to open up.  If you are looking for information because you don't know for sure what happened, don't ask, "What did you do?"  Ask "What happened at lunch?"  That's specific enough that the child thinks, "It sounds like the teacher has heard that something bad happened at lunch; I'd better tell my side of things."  And sometimes, when a child is extra limited and/or you know one of the "key parties" involved, ask, "What happened with Denise at lunch?"  Then suddenly the child you are asking feels like the pressure is off THEM; you already suspect someone else, so they'll tell you some information.  Usually you would then go ask Denise, "What happened with Annie at lunch?" to get the other view, it just so happened that in this scenario that was unnecessary; I'd already heard enough from Denise and Annie admitted she made a mistake.

3.  A teacher needs to choose what life lesson to teach a child.  Obviously, you don't want to reward a child who has lied.  Usually.  But when I think of how this story would have played out if I had said, "Well, too bad, you shouldn't have given her that necklace or lied about it," where would she be?  Many children hold grudges at this age; she would have resented Denise for a while; especially if she kept wearing that necklace.  It could have led to more behavior problems for both girls.

4.  Know how to ask a child for a favor person to person, not teacher to student, to get more "buy in."  For my solution to this problem to work, I really needed Denise to forgive Annie.  Not just do as I commanded and give the necklace back.  So I brought 2 kid sized chairs out to the hall, told her on her way out the door, "Don't worry; you're not in trouble," and sat down so that I was at her level.  I explained the situation to her almost the same way as I did with the adult in my room.  A lot of times, we teachers are afraid to tell a student that another student made a mistake because it feels like a breach of confidentiality.  But let's face it.  Denise KNEW Annie made a mistake before I said so.  By being open with her, she could empathize better with the girl I was asking her to forgive.  And asking a question (how can she make it up to you) makes a person more likely to think about a situation critically, and feel more comfortable and in control than a command like, "give it back."  So by the time I was asking her, "what can she do to make it up to you," she had already forgiven her. 

5.  A teacher needs to decide what children really need, even more than they need to uphold rules.  Denise, in her own words, did not need that necklace.  Annie needed to feel the joy of giving her good friend a Christmas present.  Cara needed to feel like she had a thoughtful friend at her new school this year.

Epilogue:

Annie left a note on my desk on Friday.  "Shoud I be frends with Lisa in thrid grade?"

Annie now trusts me enough to ask me for friendship advice because she knows that I am here to help her.

How to Help a Child Make Friends: Narrative Part One

I want to set aside the academics for a moment and talk about another issue that parents AND teachers worry about.  That is, how to help a child make friends.

Friendship is like magic; sometimes unlikely people make good friends because they complement each other, sometimes friendship is based on very similar interests, and sometimes kids who we think are going to hit it off just aren't interested in each other, or worse, clash.

Sometimes we, as adults, feel helpless when we see a child who struggles socially.  They don't teach us teachers about childhood friendship in teacher college!  It's not that we care only about academics in our classroom; it's that other than teaching cooperation, turn taking, and the golden rule, the nuances of friendship can seem too delicate to get involved with.  So I want to tell you about a recent success story I had with a child who desperately wanted a friend.

Annie was known as a troublemaker from kindergarten through the beginning of third grade, when her teacher decided to make her her special "project."  With extra care and guidance, she helped Annie start caring about school (even though it's really hard for her) and she helped Annie understand that the way she treats people turns them off to her.  She decided she didn't want to be a loner anymore.

That was a huge step for Annie!  The problem is, now that she's in fourth grade, although she cares very much and she knows what NOT to do, knowing what she SHOULD do is a struggle.  And that's where Cara comes in.

Cara has low cognitive development.  She was mainstreamed this year after being in a substantially separate program from first to third grade.  The other children met her in kindergarten, and now that she's back it's been a hard transition, but she's finally found her niche.  Because although she can't keep up with most of what's going on, she is quick to smile, laugh, and go with the flow appropriately.  I'm pretty sure the other children know she has a disability, but they recognize she has a good heart so they support her.

When Annie met Cara, she suddenly felt like she was no longer the "low man on the totem pole."  At first, when Cara had no friends yet, Annie started playing with her.  And Annie realized that Cara needed HER help with things, whereas usually Annie was the one who was slow to keep up.  So Annie started to mother her.

But, inevitably, friends sometimes disagree.

Annie, who is lacking in social development, saw a small disagreement as a disaster.  She thought she was losing her only friend, so she lashed out.  She said some mean things to Cara, Cara's mom got involved, called Annie a bully, and wanted the girls separated.  Annie was devastated.

After I told Annie how much she hurt Cara, she wiped away her tears and although she didn't get to sit with her in class, the girls gravitated back together at recess time without a second incident.  I've told Cara's mom to keep me posted, but there have been no more reports of problems.  In fact, the week before Christmas Annie whispered to me with a sparkle in her eyes, "I got someone a really special present.  I got me and Cara matching necklaces that say BFF."

We got back from Christmas break, and Annie came in wearing her necklace.  That morning, Cara went home sick.  "Where did Cara go?"  Annie asked me.  When I told her, her face fell.  She left the necklace she was planning to give that day on Cara's desk.  I gave it back to Annie and said, "Hold onto it; you can give it to her yourself tomorrow.  You don't want it to go missing!"

But the next day, Cara wasn't there.  She was still sick.

Sometimes, as adults, we forget the feeling of coming in in the morning and seeing "my friend is absent today."  For a child as insecure as Annie, it hurts even more.  I didn't realize it at the time.  But then, after lunch, I saw Denise wearing Annie's necklace.  The one she's been wanting to give to Cara for 2 weeks.

"Say, Denise, where did you get that necklace?"
"Annie gave it to me."

Denise is a nice girl, and she's smart too.  She's not the type to steal a necklace and have the audacity to wear it around and lie about where she got it from.  Annie made a rash decision here, and I did not know how she was going to get out of it.  I didn't know what I could do to help.

To Be Continued.